Without You I'm Nothing
by Leo James Potter
Summary: A day on the life of Harry Potter. How would you feel if you lost the person you love the most for no apparent reason?


**A/N: **So, this story was originally written in Portuguese by me :). And, on a holiday I had a lot of free time on my hands and nothing to do, so I decided to translate my story. Anyway, I want to thank Nashira Black, my Beta Reader, for all the help and for being so thorough. You are an angel. Thanks a lot. And also Tsuki for encouraging me to do this. Love you.

To our English readers, hope you like it.

**Disclaimer:** None of the characters belong to me. I get no money out of this.

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**Without you I'm nothing**

_By Leo James Potter_

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The brightness bothers me. Even with my eyes closed I can feel it piercing through the window and slowly warming my body. Reluctantly I open my eyes just to shut them again; the light hurts them. Eventually I get used to it, but I ask myself why bother? My willingness to see the day is non-existent; the London mornings have no appeal to me.

I think about getting up, but my body weights me down and inertia keeps me in bed. I see no reason to begin a day that I have never wanted to arrive. How I would like to sleep the whole day, or better yet, to sleep the rest of all days. Not having to cope with this emptiness inside or with the pain of remembering. I force myself to escape consciousness, but it is useless.

The minutes drag themselves by as I shift around in bed. I uncover myself and lay on my stomach, useless, I wrap myself with in the sheets, lying sideways with my hands between my tights, uncomfortable, Facing up with the sheets carelessly thrown over my legs, non effective, I can't return to unconsciousness and my back starts to hurt. No reason other than that makes me get out of bed.

I walk towards the bathroom door, but for some unfathomable reason, I draw to a halt. I turn to the bed and see your blond hair thrown over the pillow; the grey stare fixed on me, and the pale hand softly hitting the empty side of the bed, asking me to occupy it again.

My eyes burn and the image becomes blurry with the tears that are forming. I have to blink, with no desire to do so, for I already know what doing that implicates. As I thought, I open my eyes and the image is gone. To remember… Every memory makes me lose you all over again… Pain…

I compose myself and turn my back to the empty and insipid bed. I get in the bathroom and stare at my face reflected on the mirror. I see the exhaustion and sadness imprinted on the green and lifeless eyes that glance back at me. The pale and sick looking skin. Not even the once unruly strands of hair fight among themselves any more. The strength and the desire to fight have long evaded from this face, from me. They were forsaking me, little by little, just as the hope of having you back by my side.

"Draco…" as soon as I mention your name my heart tightens and breathing hardens. I can't control the tremors that take over my body and I end up falling to the ground; and lying on the cold floor I cry your absence, compulsively, once again.

My cry comes to an end soon; I don't have the tears or the stamina to keep at it for very long. Nevertheless, each time, I take a bit longer to pull myself together. Each time I have lesser of a will to rise up. Lesser of a desire to go on… There are no reasons or motivation. They have gone with you.

I walk to the tub and open the tap. Testing the temperature of the water as it runs. The warmth and humidity of the water draw me to the memory of our first kiss, which had these same qualities… that night…

_Your eyes fixed on mine when we really talked for the first time. That one second of exasperating tension when I let my Gryffindor impulsiveness, as you always made sure of pointing out, make me draw my face dangerously close to yours. Then the relief and pleasure when your lips met mine. My hands took your face as I could feel the warmth of yours on the back of my neck. Our tongues met and nothing else mattered or even existed for us. I don't even know how much time had passed us by, but nothing could tear away my smile, the happiness I felt at that moment; not even the glazes of panic and incredulity that were cast upon us. Like I said: nothing else mattered._

I try to shake the image of my mind, shatter it so that it will never assemble itself again. The Gryffindor's naivety – your voice echoing from the past into my tortured present.

I undress myself and get in the tub. The hot water involves my body benumbing it. I like this sensation; the illusion that my body is becoming insensible; and that I'll no longer feel any pain, angst, nor the solitude in which you left me, "Come back to me…".

The water is cold and the numbing sensation is gone. Yet, just as it happened in bed, I lack the strength to surpass the inertia. Sadness takes over me entirely when comes to me, the remembrance that, one day, your arms have been the ones to hold me there. Your kiss that inebriated me and made the world something distant and unimportant. The touch, the hold that made my skin tingle. The soft bruises left on the pale skins of our bodies… Now my skin is fairly immaculate, there are no signs of my lover; there are only the invisible scars of solitude and abandonment.

I can't be certain at what time I came out of my reveries and left the bathroom, but now I am standing in front of the open closet; in which your clothes, one day, have also been. Merlin…

_I'll never understand that day. I knew something odd was hovering over us, but it was so recent that I didn't worry myself with it. I couldn't have imagined, at any moment, that the twinge, which had been following me all day long, was actually an euphemistic warning of the great tragedy that would befall me. It took me a few minutes to comprehend. You, standing, in the same spot I'm right now, holding some clothes; the closet half empty; the trunk on the floor neat and almost full. Your eyes were resolute but lost at the same time._

_"Draco… Are you…", I couldn't even finish the sentence. It hurt too much to glimpse at the possibility of you leaving me._

_"Harry", you dropped the clothes from your arms into the trunk; came close to me and went on, "I'm sorry, but I can't go on with this relationship."_

_I didn't know what to say. My voice failed me completely and a sob got stuck in my throat. You were leaving me and I couldn't say a word to convince you otherwise._

_"I adore you Harry, but…", I never knew the rest of that sentence. You have never finished it. You simply kissed me and with a wave of your wand made the trunk come to you and Disapparated from my life._

_I walked up to the closet utterly muddled. The coup had been too intense for me to acknowledge it. I was completely numb when I saw the single piece of clothing left by you. A scarf…_

The same scarf I'm holding right now. The only piece of this entire apartment that still has your scent on it. A sweet and unique odour that is forever imprinted in my memory. I don't even know if this piece of fabric really possesses your fragrance still or if it is my mind playing tricks on me. It makes no difference, for it is this garment that strengthens my sorrow at this moment, forcing me to face the fact that I can no longer smell this scent being exhaled from your skin; the perfume which, because of the heat that emanated from our bodies when together, became stronger and more intense; and ended up accentuating the rapture and almost insanity that took over me when we were making love. "Oh Draco, I miss you so much."

I hang the scarf in the closet and, with certain difficulty, I let go of it. I search through the clothes without paying much attention to the matching and patterns of the ones I choose. It was you who always picked them for me. Always saying…

_"Your hair might be impossible Harry, but that is no excuse to dress yourself like a derelict."_

_"Draco, that is just silly…" I taunted you._

_"Potter", spitting my name and fulminating me with your eyes. "You are not a Malfoy, but you are dating one. So act accordingly."_

_I wiped the smile of my face, narrowed my eyes, grabbed your cape from the bed and threw it over my shoulders; walked up to you in the most aristocratic way I could manage. I tried to sound as cold as possible and said: "Slytherin enough for you?"_

_You snorted and with a half smile you pushed me over the bed. "You're beyond salvation Potter."_

_I laughed and pulled you into a kiss, which soon evolved to something, that dismissed the use of clothing._

My hand strolls over the sheets in remembrance. Trying futilely to sense the heat that our bodies would have left there. I take a deep breath, not to calm myself but to be able to smell (even if only in my mind) the sweat left as proof of the events. However, there is nothing left. "How can I live without you?"

I leave the bedroom, trudging the way to the sitting room. My eyes wander aimlessly at the furniture. Everything makes me recall scenes from the past and I feel the cold from the present that is mine… alone. Your face catches my attention. Your face printed on paper, on a photograph. Our faces are side by side, touching. The smiles are spontaneous and truthful. How long it took for me to be able to see that laugh, to hear it. The sound of happiness, of real pleasure coming from your mouth. And the eyes… so different then. The smile spreads around your face and expresses itself more clearly in your eyes. The grey becomes silver and they hypnotize me, holding me in that spec of time… My sight blurs with unshed tears, and I place the photo on the mantle before I dry them. I can't be here any longer. Hastily I walk towards the door to run from you.

I go downstairs and get to the exit door of the building. The courage to climb down the last step that leads outside fails me. Then, Hermione's voice comes to mind saying that I could not stay put in the apartment the whole day; that I have a life yet to live; that I should go out, stroll, do something instead of being here, wasting away; and that gives me the nerve to take another step.

I loiter around the streets for a bit and soon I regret doing so. The plumbeous morning sky that covers the city reminds me of your eyes. I keep loitering trying to ignore the remembrances… impossible, especially now that I am facing the park… the fence of the park…

_We were walking back from a lunch at Ron and Hermione's. It was a huge effort from your part having to put up with my friends for an entire meal. The anger flowed through your eyes altering their colour. The grey was darker, more sombre; intensified by the rain clouds that were forming that afternoon. I'm not quite sure why we were walking ourselves back, but I know that the rain caught us midway. I thought of running but you halted. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back. The raindrops touched your face and ran down the platinised strands of your hair, which now were acquiring a tone closer to a light blonde. It looked like some sort of purification, as if that pluvial water could actually rinse all those feelings that were bothering you till then. Your head dropped and your eyelids opened. Your glare fell right on me. That dark grey look, but now it brought a different shine to it. A small bluish spark added to an enigmatic smile that was coming to life. My body was shaking but motionless when you began to move in my direction. In a floating and subtle movement, like you were something unnatural, ethereal, you took me into a deep and hard kiss. Your hands around my waist pulling me harder as if you wanted us to be in the same place at once. I gently placed my hands on your face, feeling the raindrops that little by little were washing it. Together our heat overcame the cold of the rain._

_Winded, we pulled apart to catch our breaths. I looked at you, studying each eye at a time while my breathing came back to normal. That hint of a smile had become complete one when you pushed me against the fence of the park we were passing by. Static, I watched as you casted some spells with your wand and took my mouth in another kiss. Your hand placed on my chest slid down my stomach, and in a brusque movement you pulled my shirt out of my trousers. Your hands went under the shirt caressing my abdomen, up my chest and over my shoulder. The kiss became more intense and your nails carved their way down my back. It was impossible to restrain the moan of pain and pleasure that escaped trough our lips. I felt your fingers unbuttoning my trousers and strolling over the thin fabric of my underwear, making their way around my hips. My hands, still 'till then, ran through the buttons of your shirt, undoing them, making way so that I could feel your torso under my fingertips. Then suddenly everything was brought to a stop. I opened my eyes and saw your glare, full of malice and possessiveness. Your hands clung to the collar of my overcoat and shirt. With force and nimbleness you pulled them down in a way that left my shoulders and part of my back exposed to the rain; not to mention the complete immobility imposed on my arms. I have never wanted you more._

_Your lips were hovering over mine, not touching, just teasing them. Your hands were still gripping firmly to my clothes keeping me arrested and powerless before the torture you were inflicting on me. Your breath played around my neck, causing shivers all over my body. I couldn't restrain myself any longer and tried to move. I felt the impact of the railing on my back; you were reaffirming your power over me at that moment. I opened my eyes to see the grey fulminating me, and the firm grip showing me that I was yours, the moment was yours, my will had no weight. I fought against it, not because I wanted, but because I knew that it was your bidding; to win; to subdue me; to own me._

_With a sigh I surrendered myself to the inevitable. You kissed me, but before pulling apart you locked your teeth on my lower lip and transformed the kiss into a bite. Always flirting with the fringe of pain and pleasure. Your hands finished undoing my trousers and pushed them together with my underwear. The water that drenched them didn't let them slide down my legs, but it didn't matter, you made sure to expose exactly what you wanted. Your hand slithered on my erection and your teeth nipped my neck. My moans seemed to arouse you even more. Soon I felt my face being pressed against the railings of the fence. One more spell and I felt you penetrating me. I bit my lip._

"_Draco", almost inaudible, nothing more than a murmur._

_Your body moving against mine and the railings were pressing me harder, but it didn't hurt. You were inside me, nothing else mattered. Your teeth bruised the skin on my shoulder and neck. It was not possible to distinguish pain and pleasure any more; everything excited me and took me into the verge of insanity. I perceived your rhythm speeding up and you going deeper with each trust; and then in a hard and profound trust I felt you, with a cry of fury and pleasure, spill yourself in me. That was enough to push me to the peak and I spilled my orgasm through the iron railings of the park. Our breathing was heavy, and our bodies were exhausted and powerless to move, except for the up and down movement of our torsos._

_You pulled yourself out of me. I turned and saw the look of exhaustion and orgasm lighten the grey of your eyes. The silvery glare, the smile evident in your eyes. You took me in your arms and embraced me as if I were your most valuable possession; and also the most fragile as well, so was the lightness with which you held me. Yours… all yours, that's what I was, that's what I felt, that's what I wanted… to be yours._

My knuckles are white, because of the strength with which I'm squeezing the railings that witnessed our affection. My eyes are shut, tight, struggling to avoid the tears from coming down. The feeling of someone wringing my heart with no remorse is unbearable. The sobs come up my throat, but I don't produce a single sound; I just shudder and prop my back on the fence. I drop my head down only to promptly raise it again towards the iron railing. The pain is diffuse. I repeat the movement again and again, until I can take my mind of the anguish that drowns me.

Somebody asks me if I'm fine. A snap and sharp retort comes to mind, but I rather not say anything. It seems like a part of you still expresses itself through me. I take a deep breath and ignoring whom ever it was I continue on my promenade.

In between reveries and painful memories, I allow myself to wander not caring much about to where I'm heading. I only notice where I am when I'm forced to a halt by a brick wall, which throws me back into a more distant past. The sequence opens the gate and reveals the street that impressed me so much when I was eleven years old. For a moment I forget my torment. Strolling and looking at the stores, happier memories come to mind… Gringotts… Flourish and Blotts… Ollivanders… Hedwig… Well, not so happy then.

I keep walking through the crowd without paying attention to the transients that pass me by. However, unexpectedly, I feel a pair of eyes land on me. I turn around and see your stunned stare and a smile shaping on your face.

"Draco", your name comes out without me noticing it. Reciprocating the surprised look, I try to act as natural as possible as you make your way towards me. A hug and a whisper:

"Nice to see you Harry."

I can't answer so I simply smile and nod. I didn't expect nor did I want to run into you. I am not ready for this sort of coincidence. You wave and disappear in the multitude. And I'm standing here, static as the world around me moves. Still feeling your touch around my neck and on the side of my face. I shouldn't have seen you. Not today. Not now. No, no, no, no… Instinctively, I Disapparate.

I Apparate in the only place I feel comfortable enough to openly express my lament. In front of my parent's tomb stones I let myself fall down on my knees and allow the tears to run down my face while my wails become more and more audible. My hand runs over my neck as if I could touch your arm or still feel it touching me. I scream your name that soon is drowned by my cry, which I try to console by leaning against the cold stone that has my mother's name engraved on it. I end up throwing my arms around the stone, as if somehow it could replace the maternal embrace; engendering warmth and comfort for me. However, the stone is still cold and rigid beneath my touch and it even steals what little heat that is left in my body and in my heart. I feel cold and I feel the wind vainly trying to dry the tears that run continuously down my face. And at some point my sobs nurture me and lead me into unconsciousness.

_We are sitting at the fringe of the lake in Hogwarts, not much time after the war has ended. My back is propped by your chest. Your chin is resting on my shoulder and I feel it move when you call me:_

"_Harry?!"_

_I lean my head a bit so I can see you, "what?"_

"_I know it might sound silly but," you were glancing absentmindedly at the surface of the lake, "I would like to ask you something."_

"_You know you can ask me anything Draco."_

"_Harry, what do you feel for me?" Your chin wasn't resting on my shoulder any more and you're eyes were fixed on me._

"_I don't know Draco. I still haven't defined this feeling." I said a bit apprehensive. "It is a very strong feeling, but I am not sure I can call it love."_

"_Uh-huh"__, and you glanced back at the lake._

"_Draco", I rise up and look at you. "What is going on?"_

_Your eyes rose slowly to the level of mine – "I am leaving Harry."_

_I see the grey turn into black pits, and the colours of the landscape that surrounds us blend into the dark and into oblivion. You vanish with the scenery. I stay behind, alone, cold, abandoned… empty… empty…_

I open my eyes in a jolt. For a second I panic seeing nothing other then darkness, but then shapes start forming. My neck is rigid and pained in result of the position I fell asleep in. I stand up. My hand massages my neck while I perceive that everything was nothing but a dream. Or maybe not, alas, you have left. I am up to my feet in front of my parents' graves. It is neither the first time I am here nor the first time that I dream of my loss. What can I do if I let you become everything to me? And now:

"Without you, I'm nothing."

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_A/N: _Again I would like to thank Nashira Black and Kuchiki Tsuki. Love you girls. Also, thanks to those of you who had the patience to read the entire story; and if I could push your patience a bit farther; I would really appreciate it, if you could write me a review. Thank You.


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